I am exceeding your expectations just by being here!

What: My Performance Review At Work
Where: Meeting Room 1, which has Golden Compass posters
How: With great justice. And a pen that doesn't work.

The reason I embraced being made redundant nearly 3 years ago was because temping means never having to say you care, or that you're sorry. Neither does it mean performance reviews. I was in love with that world and it was a golden age. I never had to deal with that horrible sinking feeling of being judged by the people who pay you.

UNTIL TODAY.

I know. Tragic. I can hear you weeping from here.

Today's performance review was for a job which, let's be franks and beans here, I have little fondness for. The form I had to fill out in traditional convoluted corporate cockery was, as I predicted, bizarre. KPIs needed to be commented on. (The assistance I received after the fact was 'just rewrite what the KPIs say'. I really wish I knew then what the hell KPIs are. Lordy child, I was calling them Kitten Piddle Indicators and abusing my cat for meeting them a little TOO well). I managed to circumvent this by writing all kinds of claptrap. Example:

I always make a point of attempting to immediately action an issue, even if it's just to clarify what the problem is and what needs to be done to satisfy both the customer and us. Most problems/queries can be sorted out within 10 minutes, I've found, whether by asking what the customer wants, making sure it's practical and correct, then fixing it. In the case something can't be fixed immediately, I make a point of getting an email address or phone number in order to keep the customer appraised of what is going on. I always make sure they have my contact details, so they can hassle me if they feel the need to. I have no problem dealing with upset customers and I make a point of being as polite and helpful as I can, even when they're antagonistic.

 Ohhhhh re-he-eallllly, me? This is what you do all day? Well done, madame. Well done.

So with enough panic in me to destroy a small discoteque, submitted my self appraisal (like wanking, but with words!) and then followed my manager into a small room adorned with the airbrushed visages of both Nicole Kidman (bleh) and Ava Green (*drool*).

It was not a horrible farce reminiscent of Amy Winehouse's live performances while Blake was in jail (though I wish my hair could have been that big). It was pleasant, easy and about as scary as having to tell your loved one you have a hemorrhoids. Which is not so bad. I mean, the husband survived that one pretty well.

My one negative comment? My TARDIS. I mean, tardiness. (I actually thought my manager said 'TARDIS' and nearly spazzed in my pants. If my one problem was that I kept a TARDIS under my desk and the noise was bugging people, I'd be ShutTheFuckUpNoob'ing everyone and disappearing in my next lunch break. Alas.) I need to be here no later than 9. And the creepy thing is, I PLAN TO DO THIS.

Ha! Listen at this wanker…

I am always ready to help in any project or problem that might be affecting the whole team, and I enjoy taking on extra work when it involves doing something different to my day to day stuff.I have a better understanding now in how my job fits in with everyone else's job, and how I can help them. I make sure I pass on any information that will help them/us.

 What a dork. Next she'll be saying she can't wait for the new system so she can implement new processes! (I did actually say that.)

Pros:
I feel good because I did…good. I don't know how I went from someone who really doesn't pay attention to or do anything with her job to someone who gets an 'Exceeds Expectations' on her review. I might get a bonus at Christmas. I feel like I'm living in an episode of The Jetsons. (George Jetson is the only person I know who ever got a 'Christmas Bonus') Who knew I had this corporate citizen inside me? Also, didn't mention net use. Double plus good.
Cons:
I think I may have passed a kidney stone, a la Al Swearengen, through stress in the lead up. I hate these things. And AND AND, I'm slightly miffed that I am good at a job I don't really like. That I am taking charge and being positive. Wasn't I meant to be doing something other than this? (I realise this con is a bit of a cop out)


Performance: ****
TARDIS: n/a :(
Productivity: ****
OVERALL: ****
I'll make sure to fix my TARDIS sir.

Dropping a whole lot of friends off at the pool

What: Diarrhoea

Where: Work

Why: I'm guessing a combo of spicy sauce, vegies, iron tablets and bourbon

Time: Just after lunch, for 10 minutes

Cost: About $2.40 in wages earned in the duration

I totally worked out how much I was paid to evacuate my bowels for 10 minutes continuously. This is not a good sign.

Anyway, yes, this review is about the stream of poop that just came out of me. Before you freak out, yes, I did do this in the toilets. I did make it, gosh, I'm not 3 years old.

In a happy twist of fate, the toilets were empty the entire time and I didn't have to resort to reabsorbing - that horrible ability to hold in a poo so long that you no longer need to do it, thereby 'reabsorbing' the troublesome turd, usually only done when you're in a work/friends house environment where the sheer embarrassment of having this noxious assbomb ready to blow is enough to make your sphincter clench and draw back like an offended Southern Belle.

The consistency of this dump was pretty runny. I've had worse, but this was fairly nasty. Didn't need to strain, but it felt like pure lava at some points and I was completely relieved when it was over. I feel like I've lost half a kilo. Strangely, no urine. I thought that was impossible but there you go. The was plenty of toilet paper, I had the 'bigger' cubicle so I didn't have to sit with my legs primly crossed to conserve space. Also, big bonus, it didn't smell all that toxic. To me. Lord knows what's going on with anyone in there now.

Pros:

This was a chance to get the hell away from my desk, AND I didn't have to share the smell with anyone or reabsorb. I had enough paper, didn't feel pressured to get back to work and didn't have to deal with a death smell that would have made me vom. Also, no post farts. Win.

Cons:

There's nothing like having a stream of digested eggplant, spicy sauce, rice and last nights not quite cooked hamburger coming outta your arse. I also have a slight sickie feeling in the guts. Bleh.

Consistency: *

Belly cramps: ***

Burning: ***

Smell: **

Clean up: ***

OVERALL: ***

I've had worse, specifically After Grog Bogs, but this was a fair deposit. Feeling much better that it's over.