I can't quite see what you did there

What: Poor Eyesight Meaning I Have To Wear Glasses
Where: All up in my eyeballs
Why: Astigmatism in one eye, general breakdown in the other. THANKS FAULTY GENES

Man, they have bad eyesight in the future (thanks to screenrant.com)

I only really noticed how bad my eyes were 2 years ago, when I was trying to read the destination on a tram coming right at me and DIDN'T NOTICE IT WAS COMING RIGHT FOR ME. This was a slight problem. Amazingly, the glasses I'd had since 2003 didn't work so great anymore. What's up with that, technology? Can't you evolve yet? Why the hell not! Anyway, one optical upgrade later and I can see things, when I wear glasses all the time. (OMG mega nerd face) This is something I have been AGAINST since I was about 14 and had to wear horrible cheap frames that were akin to John Lennon's round hippy glasses but with less potsmoking cred. And on a plump girl with blah coloured hair, it was less hippy cool and more neon sign saying 'Is Four-Eyes The Best You Have? C'mon!'. We all have our traumas.

My eyesight seems to be made up of blurs, phantoms and too much effort. If I don't wear my glasses I get weird shit happening all up in my peripherals. Like, shadows moving, imaginary cats running across doorways, sparkles…or I could just be batshit crazy. We'll never determine that, so shut your face. This can be both fun or scary, depending on how bad my paranoia is (thanks to watching the X-Files as a young girl, it's pretty damn bad. That show only encouraged my weirdness). The sparkles are nice though.

The only problem with the world being a blur past 3 feet is that I can't watch TV, precious precious TV, without squinting. It's so bad, it's like racism. When I'm drunk, it's not so bad, as really, I'm just seeing what I want to see when I'm 12 sheets to the wind. Usually, that means I think I'm seeing my husband holding out a giant box of hot chips and spicy sauce, when all he's doing is informing me it's my turn to sing on Guitar Hero. Weird.

There also seems to be some kind of weird time lapse thing going on. When I wake up in the morning, I have obviously forgotten I can't see for shit and can wander around, get dressed and presentable for the outside world (okay, I can get dressed) and get on correct public transport. But as soon as it hits 9am…BAM! BLIND, BETCHEZ! Happens on the weekend too. I can get up at 8.30am and have half an hour of blissful ignorance and then SLAM! Music videos are being viewed by what looks like four inches of Vaseline. Which just turns everything into a Donna Summer visual remix.

Pros:

So we have a 3 feet radius of pure, shocking, truthful, horrible clarity and the rest of the world is seen through the kind of gauzy curtain usually reserved for softcore Vampire porn. This can lead to the both embarrassing or awesome instances of not being able to recognise your own mother from across the street (ahaha, accident! I swear) and the brilliant excuse of 'Ohhh, no, I didn't see. Don't have my glasses on' which is quite useful when you want to avoid someone. Other fun things include: fireworks being extra pretty through blurriness, getting people to read things for you while you look at something else more interesting.

Cons:

Having to wear glasses. Srsly, I know that some people just dig glasses like whoa, but I am not one of them. Not on me anyway. I put on my glasses and I immediately feel like I've regressed 15 years. Another con is taking your jumper off and getting your glasses tangled. Or, having dirty glasses, which is more annoying than not being able to see in the first place. And also, lensflare. Not as bad as the New Star Trek movie, but close.

Convenience: **

Excuse Use: *

Facial Enhancement: minus *****

OVERALL: **

Sure, they help me see shit in the distance, but really, do I need to wear glasses? Can't I just get CLOSER FFS? Okay, FINE. I will wear them. Sons of betchez.

Dropping a whole lot of friends off at the pool

What: Diarrhoea

Where: Work

Why: I'm guessing a combo of spicy sauce, vegies, iron tablets and bourbon

Time: Just after lunch, for 10 minutes

Cost: About $2.40 in wages earned in the duration

I totally worked out how much I was paid to evacuate my bowels for 10 minutes continuously. This is not a good sign.

Anyway, yes, this review is about the stream of poop that just came out of me. Before you freak out, yes, I did do this in the toilets. I did make it, gosh, I'm not 3 years old.

In a happy twist of fate, the toilets were empty the entire time and I didn't have to resort to reabsorbing - that horrible ability to hold in a poo so long that you no longer need to do it, thereby 'reabsorbing' the troublesome turd, usually only done when you're in a work/friends house environment where the sheer embarrassment of having this noxious assbomb ready to blow is enough to make your sphincter clench and draw back like an offended Southern Belle.

The consistency of this dump was pretty runny. I've had worse, but this was fairly nasty. Didn't need to strain, but it felt like pure lava at some points and I was completely relieved when it was over. I feel like I've lost half a kilo. Strangely, no urine. I thought that was impossible but there you go. The was plenty of toilet paper, I had the 'bigger' cubicle so I didn't have to sit with my legs primly crossed to conserve space. Also, big bonus, it didn't smell all that toxic. To me. Lord knows what's going on with anyone in there now.

Pros:

This was a chance to get the hell away from my desk, AND I didn't have to share the smell with anyone or reabsorb. I had enough paper, didn't feel pressured to get back to work and didn't have to deal with a death smell that would have made me vom. Also, no post farts. Win.

Cons:

There's nothing like having a stream of digested eggplant, spicy sauce, rice and last nights not quite cooked hamburger coming outta your arse. I also have a slight sickie feeling in the guts. Bleh.

Consistency: *

Belly cramps: ***

Burning: ***

Smell: **

Clean up: ***

OVERALL: ***

I've had worse, specifically After Grog Bogs, but this was a fair deposit. Feeling much better that it's over.